I deserve a damn medal. Not because I did anything extraordinary, but because I did about a million ordinary things, mostly on my own because my hubby’s had a crazy week, too, and I mostly didn’t lose my sh!t with the children while doing so. And contrary to the tone of all my cussing thus far in this post, I’m over the moon happy about life right now. So content that I found myself in the rocking chair this evening, nursing Lincoln and grinning like a damn fool (see, there’s that language again; apparently I swear inversely to how well things are going!). Why? Because I’ve been working really hard lately and today I realized, more than once, that I not only feel good, I am good. So good that I could still feel it all over my tired, covered in sticky and icky and milky self tonight. And that’s pretty awesome.
Now, a few points I need to add before I continue. Perhaps, if you are not feeling so good at the moment, you would like to kick me in the shins right now. I get that. I have been there. I am sure I’ll be there again. So I give you full permission to wish harm upon my shins because sometimes that’s just where we are. There have been multiple times in my life as a parent that I felt someone else was throwing their good in my face with ridiculously upbeat Facebook status updates about their cherub children or with their put together outfits or well-rested faces or what have you and I have wanted to kick them in the shins which isn’t terribly adult or kind of me. But then I read things like this and just today, this, and slowly I’ve begun to learn that the happiness of others is not something I should be taking personally.
Seeing as past experiences tell me that I suffer from Bitchy Resting Face, I realize that this shift in my perspective may not be visible to the naked eye. And clearly you know I’m not going to be spouting nothing but sunshine and roses from here on out. That’s not me. But because I do narrate this life honestly, I think it is honest to tell you that I’ve been working towards being good and being happy for a long time. Life these last few years has been a little bit intense and little bit hectic. And of course it has also been a little bit freaking awesome and a little bit full of joyful moments, but today, in the midst of a really long day near the end of a really long week, I was able to find myself laughing and smiling and not just feeling like I’m stuck in survival mode. Of course this is ironic because with a 4-yr-old, an almost-2-yr-old, and an almost-4-mo-old, I am very much in survival mode, but the good news is, I am starting to rediscover my sense of humor and my sense of self which is making the good shine through the crazy.
Again, this takes me back to the medal. I deserve the damn medal because in the midst of the chaos, I am taking time, insisting on time, for myself. It’s coming in small increments and in small ways, but I am OK with that. The fact that I’m even doing it is what is so noteworthy because in this life of giving, giving, giving to my Littles and our life as a family, it is so easy to leave myself for last. But obviously if I give my entire self away, there will be nothing left for the rest of them, so my acts of self-care are caring for my brood, too.
And you know what? I think you deserve a damn medal, too. Yes, yes I do. Whether you’re doing something extraordinary or a million bits of ordinary, you are also here which means you are part of me and for that I am grateful. Because without you I wouldn’t have people to share the highs and lows and isn’t that the point of this life anyway?