What the what?! I’m writing a blog post in June and it is not Saturday, nor has it been a week since my last post? Must finally be done with teaching and grading for summer! HipHip to that. But does it surprise any of you that the need to write would arise on a Tuesday? I’m sure not. Actually, it didn’t occur to me until just five minutes ago when I was sending a quick note to a friend that it even is Tuesday, but when it clicked, I thought, “Oh, yes. That fits.”
So whether it was just the little Welschies having A Tuesday or the fact that I have about a million things to do before I leave for Omaha (T-minus two weeks from yesterday = start date. Whoa.) or that I’m worn-the-flip-out and just want to sit for ten minutes (by myself) or what, but yes. Today was A Day. A day where I found myself looking forward to my month-long excursion that is non-too slowly creeping up on me.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got all sorts of Mommy Guilt floating around my head about the whole yoga training adventure. No qualms about Ben being OK with the kids – I know he’ll be great and he’ll have great help from friends and family throughout the month. It’s rather the fact that I’ve never been away from the children from more than a couple few nights in a row before that’s getting to me. And I’m going to be gone for five days a week for four weeks! Yikes. And then there’s the whole trying to sustain nursing business while I’m gone. I have plenty of milk (I think!) stored up to get Lincoln through the first week and the plan is to pump while I’m away and bring that back to replenish the stock for the following week. In theory this will work just fine and when I return full-time in August, I’ll be able to pick back up with breastfeeding, but what if not? What if he gives it up while I’m away? I know part of me will feel to blame and at fault should that happen. Not that I can control it, though, and not that it means I should just stay home. He’s darn near one. It’s going to be OK. Will someone please keep telling me that? My baby-turning-one-plus-my-oldest-baby-is-almost-five-plus-stress hormones are threatening to take over right now and I’m going to need some reminders that this is all for the greater good.
For as much as I know I’m going to miss my munchkins while I’m gone, today made me rather ready to go. Is it bad to admit that out loud? Too bad if it is, I guess, because there you have my honest answer for the day. I’m ready to not be “In It” for a wee bit and am thinking that focusing so heavily on yoga while I’m away is going to be beyond beneficial. I need some peace. I need some calm (just typed clam – no, no, no. Do not want clams!). I obviously need some sleep! I just need to be not refereeing or running to check on why so-and-so is screaming (because of teeth? poop? punches? fevers? told you that you needed to take a bath? — trust me, I’ve seen all that and more in the last few days) every two seconds all day long. I’m ready for a break. Again – it is blasphemy to admit that? Does it burst the “she’s got it all together” bubble? Ha! If you read along with this blog, you know I’ve never claimed to be all together nor do I think many people would suggest such about me (and that’s OK!!), so I guess that makes it OK to put this out there – no bubble to burst in the first place!
As far as today’s shenanigans went, I was left wondering, on multiple occasions, if my children would survive their childhoods. Body checking for ownership of an Anywhere Chair from PB (even though they all have one with their own freaking name on it)? Check (and no, it was not the oldest who was the offender, here). Opening the door to the stairs and then “keeping an eye on” the baby as he climbed the stairs, without an adult around? Check (and yes, it was the oldest on this one). Crying because I set him down? Because I picked him up? Because I gave him something to chew on? Because his sister took it away? Check. Check. Check. Check. I mean, seriously. Really Children?
How many times a day do you find yourself wondering how you’re going to keep your kiddos safe and secure and sound of mind, body, and spirit? And how many times do you find yourself wondering if you’ll survive their childhoods? Because that’s where I ended up by suppertime tonight. Wondering not only if I’ll be able to keep them in one piece but also if I’ll be whole when it’s all said and done, too. Not that I’m on the verge of cracking up or falling apart…just acknowledging that this season of life is going to leave its mark on me.
I guess the imprint of these years on my person will be just like another one of my tattoos – a way to remember who I was at a given point in time, to show me how I’ve grown, and to remind me of what matters (and of course my crazy-making Littles matter more than anything).