Big Squeeze

In my normal, day-to-day life as a SAHM, one of my biggest issues is that by the end of the day, I am often “touched out.” Usually by the time the evening rolls around (is there a parent who doesn’t love bedtime?!), I am so relieved to have some actual, literal physical space to myself. No one who needs me to dress them, wipe them (bums or noses or cheeks or tears), pick them up, or wants to use me as a human pillow/chair/lounger. My poor husband. Often times at night he’ll come to sit by me on the couch and I’ll say, “Can you sit over there, please? You’re the only one in this house who is old enough to hear what I’m saying and really get it. Who has to respect it. Please?” I’m touched out. I can’t stand to have one more set of hands on me because my physical body is drained.

So now flip that situation and you have where I am currently. This has been what I call a helluva week.  My intensive program has demanded a great deal of me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and when you couple that with two late nights/little sleep, you have one wiped girl today. Thank goodness for a gracious read on our group’s energy from our instructor today; she could see that we were all struggling and we took a step back this morning to regroup and recharge. As part of that, we did a restorative yoga session and I kid you not, the minute we settled into the first pose, tears started streaming out my eyes and didn’t stop until we were over half way through the class (side note/inquiry – have you ever had tears run into your ears? It is a very odd sensation). Why the water works? Because my family popped into my head and I realized that only seeing them for 48 hours in the last two weeks has left me deprived of their touch. 
I miss Raegan’s soft hands resting on my thigh as I read her a book. I long to hold Lincoln in my arms to nurse instead of being hooked up to the pump. I want to reach my hand out and ruffle Harrison’s hair for the twentieth time in a day, like I normally do. I want to see their stinky, dirty little feet and feel their warms bodies pressed up next to me on the couch. Or have their arms flung around my neck or shoulders. To have Ben come rub my shoulders or give me a quick hug in the hallway as we roll through the day. I just want to have them all close. 
Being able to stay by myself for this yoga program has been great. I really do appreciate the time and space and quiet in which to work or read or listen to music as I plan a class or look over materials. It’s amazing (and intense). But as we near the midpoint of the experience, I see how much it is impacting my emotions and my body. I cannot wait to head home on Saturday so I can see my babies and better yet, hold ’em,  squeeze ’em, and love on ’em for two days. Touch me out? Yes, please! 

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