Leaky Times

Because I am just Type-A enough, I sometimes add items to lists even though I’ve already completed the task, just so I can cross it off (you other Type-A-ers know what I’m saying?). Although I did not make any actual list of blog posts to accomplish in the week, if I had, it would now look something like this:

  1. Truman’s birth story – check!
  2. Sibling story – check! (my most-viewed post EVER!)
  3. Husband story – check!
  4. Truman story – check!
  5. Mama story – you are reading it, so check!

I honestly had no idea the first week home would be so wordy, but it makes sense because there is a LOT to process these days and this blog helps me with that quite a bit. Plus it has been fun to share all of our latest and even our not-so-greatest with everyone and then hear back from folks in messages and comments; it has made the postpartum roller coaster a little easier to ride.

That being said, as any new mama knows, or not-so-new mama may remember, the days and weeks following a baby’s birth are full of ups and downs. They are also, as a dear friend once pointed out, extremely full of fluids. As the body heals and the milk comes, the hormones then kick in (again) bringing everything from night sweats to any-time-of-day weepies. The Weepies (great band, by the way), are where I found myself today.

I don’t think I mentioned in TJ’s birth post, but the night he was born, I did not sleep. I thought maybe, just maybe, he was born early enough in the night and I was relieved enough that everything and everyone was OK that I might finally rest once post-birth, but oh, no. No, no, no. The adrenaline/hormone rush swooped in and kept me up the whole blessed night, even though Truman and Ben were resting peacefully.

So once again, I found myself behind the times on sleep from the very get-go of one of my Little’s out-of-belly life, trying desperately to catch up with catnaps and coffee (doesn’t work). In the 9 days since, although Truman has slept fairly well at night, I still haven’t fully recovered the initial sleep deficit (because I was sleeping SO great while pregnant), and today I am totally feeling that. Did I mention that I also decided to try giving up coffee again, switching to decaf, just like I did after Lincoln was born?

Why? Why do I do this to myself?! (breastfeeding post being added to the above list)

So yes…sleepy mama + achy back mama (rough couple days last week meant a chiropractor trip and then two days of soreness recovering from adjustment) + decaffeinated mama equals, today, a slightly whiney and certainly weepy mama tonight. As in, puffy eyes, did a couple ugly cries, WEEPY.

Did anything awful happen today? No, not really. Stressful? Well, yes, actually, when I returned home from an appointment and found out that I had 5 minutes to get the two youngest ready and out the door to go pick up the oldest while the second went to the doctor with Ben (for what turned out to be an ear infection), and then the third wouldn’t walk with me the last two blocks to the school after parking the van so I had to carry him and the baby in the infant seat the whole way, fighting the godforsaken wind….but I digress. It was just a day. And it was one for letting off some pressure in my head which apparently required some tears and I am OK with that.

Thankfully I had people throughout the day to listen and offer hugs and who could affirm what I already know – this is part of the process. This is part of welcoming a new baby, and as long as I continue to take care of myself and acknowledge where I am and how I’m doing, then I’m handling it in the best way I can. And I have to keep being kind to myself.

I am 9 days postpartum. It would not be fair to expect myself to have conquered the world, much less to look like anything other than a bit of a Mombie. And mascara + an ugly cry makes for some really good zombie eyes, in case you’re wondering.

So my mama story is this – most moments and most days are better (far better) than several of my moments today. But to be fair to myself and fair to mamahood, I’m going to continue taking a “better-out-than-in” approach here, figuring that if my body or my brain needs to release something, then I need to honor that. Thank goodness for the release of writing, as well.

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