Face the Fears

Wow. I don’t know if this is June talking or the coffee or the fact that I had a heart-swelling good time teaching a new yoga class this morning, but something inside me cracked wide open today, with both my energy and my vibe flying high.

The head-going-to-pop, I-feel-like-a-whole-new-person thing might also have to do with the fact that I am getting 24 hours to be just me.

Does that sound awful? Like I can’t be me when my kiddos are here 24/7/365? I suppose it might sound a little awful, but I promise you, my mama heart beats on and I was almost in tears twice this morning as Ben was getting ready to head out to his parent’s house with the children for a one-night stay which also happens to be Trumy’s first night away from me (I may just have a lot of hormones flying around right now??).

Now, Truman is almost nine months old, so this isn’t unheard of, but he’s still 99.9% pure milk, so bottles of breastmilk he will do and pumping I am, until he comes back to me tomorrow morning. I miss his (big) sweet head already.

But my own head is so buzzed by the ability to come and go as I please today – to write and read and chat with friends, to teach, and yes, to practice yoga, too. And somehow my practice felt so freaking great today – better than it is has in ages, and partway through my sun salutations, I felt the urge to hop back into chaturanga instead of just stepping one foot at a time. Our sunporch, as it turns out, is a pretty awesome place to yoga:

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Now, if you’ve ever practiced Surya A’s (sun salutes), you know they are no small task. And the hop back is especially tricky because you need to land in the chaturanga dandasana posture or you are going to tear up your shoulders pretty quickly.

I had just started playing with hop backs before getting pregnant with Truman, so we’re talking like a year and a half since I have even attempted this, but the “I think I can do this” was there, so I went with it. And it felt good. Like really good. So I did something I have also never done before — set up my phone and took a yoga selfie video:

Even more shocking? The short and no shirt business happening in the video. That’s not how I normally roll for yoga but it is what I had on and I wasn’t about to let my belly stop me from taking a video to see my form (which, by the way, isn’t 100% and my feet are WAY loud on landing, but dang, not bad for the restart after such a long break from it).

And I’m so glad because when I watched this for the first time, my heart soared even higher than it already was this morning. What I see in this 40 seconds is strength. Progress. Bravery. And a pretty kick-ass release in my shoulders in Down Dog, thank you very much. What I also see is a mama, a woman, unafraid to be in her body and to put that out there for others to see, too. This is the life I long to live, the person I long to be. This is me, not letting fear of judgment (of what? my practice? my stomach? my crazy biker shorts that, no, are not relics from the early 90s?) hold me back. This is me taking the gift of 24 hours to be and do, just for myself, which is rare, welcomed, and amazing.

I say it all the time in classes – when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to take care of others. How fantastic to be living in some self-care and satisfaction today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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