This morning, in my FB memories, a baby bump photo popped up; after all the belly watches we have done in the last eight years, this is not a rare occurrence. What was crazy to me about this one though, was that it was a sizeable Trumy bump and it said TWO years ago as the date. How is that even possible?!, I wondered.

But it is, because yesterday TJ hit the 18th month mark, just like that! And yes, we are still nursing which continues to be, on a daily basis, a world record for me, which I am quite proud of. I can’t help but wonder, however, if this new record is why I find myself every month still not pregnant and questioning how I actually feel about that.

Can I get pregnant nursing? Yes. Lincoln is literal proof of such. But twice (for both RL and TJ to make appearances), I had to be done. We had tried for months (and months) while I was still nursing HD and LT but it wasn’t until they gave up the boob that I was able to actually get pregnant. So is that what is happening again here? Maybe. Maybe not. A lot has changed and a lot is going on in our lives right now.

For one, I’m staring down 35 like none other. I’ve also started my own business and taken on WAY more work outside the home than ever before. To say that my body has shifted with hormones and stress levels since the last time I tried to get pregnant is a gross understatement. This is totally uncharted territory.

And then it comes back down to the question of do we want this or are we good? I mean, duh. I know we are GOOD. We are way blessed with our four beautiful and healthy children. They work me up daily but they also fill my heart to bursting with love on the daily, too. Am I really ready and willing to add more strain to our situation knowing that, if pregnant, I could feel miserable or even better, get super super sick again like I did with all the others besides Truman?

And what about nursing? For reasons I’m not really able to articulate, I’m not willing to kick Trumy off the boob like I was with the other boys. Also, that’s not entirely true. I didn’t kick them off; I just jumped at the chance when they showed signs of stopping which I clearly have not done this time around.

Today we had Truman’s 18 month check-up (our normally happy baby hated it, as you can see) and it struck me that for only the second time, I was taking a baby to one of those and I wasn’t also pregnant with the next. The fact that I’m noticing that, much less struggling with a little bit, answers my question of Will we or won’t we? for me, but in 10 minutes, I might take note of the independence that all of my children are gaining each day and be grateful for it. We are seriously close to being light years away from stages of sleep and naps and breastfeeding that are really hard. There would honestly be a sense of relief in that, you know? But then check in with  me tonight or tomorrow and I’ll be back to hoping that I don’t get my period this month.

I share all of this for a couple reasons. One, I know some of you are wondering. This is the time when we are usually announcing another Little Welschie on the way, and it’s not like I’ve kept our indecision quiet thanks to the blog here. But I also share it because I have to think that I’m not the only one who has been in this limbo or felt like a crazy person for being here.

I so thought I would know when I was done. I hear people say that a lot. So if I don’t know, I must not be, right? Or maybe I’m just in denial and that ship has sailed. I share this not to belittle the blessings we have already been given but to say that, once again, knowing what is right and was is not as a parent continues to be a learning process.