Has anyone else noticed the awkward pause these days that has started happening when a conversation starts with the classic, “How are you doing?” question? This has always been a loaded inquiry that most of us never really answer truthfully (because who has time and usually the person asking isn’t a) looking for a novel-length amount of truth or b) a safe place in which to give such), but wow is it a total load of crap in COVID life.

And I say this as someone who still finds the words falling out of her mouth upon seeing people across the street or in a driveway (at 6+ feet of social distance)! Just like I can’t seem to kick the habit of asking, I also can’t help but sad-chuckle when it happens because you can see the truth written all over people’s faces (with their raised eyebrows and sort-of-there smiles) and you can definitely hear the disbelief in their “suuuuure, fine, yeah, you betcha’s” that now always comes after a pause as we all consider the absurdity of even asking or answering that.

Yesterday, though, I caught a twist on this question when I happened to see an Instagram story from my beloved Sara Bareilles in which she was participating in a tag-each-other challenge of answering the question, “How are you doing *really*?” which is to say, if you were going to answer that honestly, what would you say?

My answer has been rattling around my brain for the last 24 hours and if I’m being honest, it keeps landing back at “not great.”

For one, I live in a state that is already opening back up even though we never really shut down and have yet to see verified, complete (i.e. transparent) numbers of COVID cases decreasing.

For another, I live in a county that lives next to another county that both have some of the highest number of cases in our state and originally we were told we’d all have a couple extra weeks (until June 1) to keep restrictions in place to all of the sudden having that ripped out from under our feet by the Governor last week when he decided, “J/K” and said that our counties too would be loosening guidelines starting today. Excuse me, what?! The whiplash on that one sent me on a tailspin last week that has yet to let up.

For yet another, we now have to be the ones calling the shots about where and what our kids will be doing as some summer activities begin in the next couple weeks. We are of course always in charge of that and ultimately still are, but as things like baseball and dance start up again in June and some families around us start to participate, we have to explain to our kids why that won’t be the case for us. And sorry folks, but we won’t be doing either because to us the reward doesn’t outweigh the risk and that’s coming from two parents who very much love to watch their children do these very activities. I don’t know how we’ll explain to them that we aren’t when others are, but instead of as a state reevaluating at the end of the month, supposedly, here we are, being forced to send those emails of decline. Now. Two weeks before any sort of evaluation and real look at the state of affairs in our state.

And for yet one more, in a comedy of errors that has dragged on for a year and freaking half, we are still faced with what to do with our unfinished house projects. The carpet that we ordered in late February and have been putting off installation of for months now comes next week. Do I feel great about that? Nope, but I also want very much to have my house put back in order so I can actually put stuff away and have my house the way I haven’t had it (a.k.a. mine and done) since December 2018. DECEMBER 2018!!!

And I can’t think of a better metaphor for quarantine life than this: six weeks ago our side door, the one we use All. The. Time. broke. Just broke. I came in it. Ben went out it. And then it never opened again. Thankfully this less-than-a-year-old door was still under warranty and it didn’t cost us anything to fix, but that break happened SIX WEEKS AGO so all this time we’ve been without that, feeling even more trapped in our own house than we would have otherwise in this bizarre time. The good news is that the actual fix only took 20 minutes and the dude who came to fix it was super nice AND (even better) wearing a mask, so that helped alleviate some of my tension, but y’all, the anxiety train is running fast these days with the thought of what it will take to get to the point of actually being done with all this (renovation and Coronavirus, to be clear).

So how am I doing, really? I’m a mess. I’m wondering who to trust and what to believe, questioning what is safe and what is right, unsure of what to do and anxious about pretty much every choice we make. Are they the right ones? Who knows. Is this really any different than normal life? Maybe not. But it sure feels like the stakes are higher and the tension DEFINITELY is, so even if this isn’t all that different than the typical uncertainty of life, trying to figure out how to move forward from “this” has left me spinning.

I hope you get a second to think about how you are doing, really, and maybe even get a chance to share it with someone or write it out a bit. I know that’s not the magic bullet for everyone, but these times, they are worth a ponder and finding a writing utensil to document, that is for sure.