Look, I’ll be honest: I’m not sure if I should be writing about COVID life, challenges with my kids, protests over Black Lives Matter or anything at this point. Instead I’m going to muddle my way through all of it, because that feels more true to life these days as we are swirling through all of these big movements and moments all day, every day.

I’ll go in reverse order and start with the protests. And again I’ll say, look: I am no expert. I am a human being trying to do better. And what’s more, I’m a white person, who is listening and learning and reading and unlearning and looking really hard at all the ways my life has been made easier just based on the color of my skin and what I can do to make the world a more just, fair, and equal place to live for BIPOC.

A lot of that work starts in my own head and heart and under my own roof.

What I’m doing is reading and journaling through the Me and White Supremacy workbook. What I’m doing is ordering other books written by BIPOC authors, supporting them and learning from them as much as I can. What I’m doing is having incredibly frank conversations with my oldest kids about what is happening in our country right now and, importantly, why it is all happening. What I’m doing is trying to share resources and perspectives that help other people see where they can start in this work too. What I’m doing is leaving my house for the first time for a community event to attend a protest last week, not because I think COVID is over, but because this other disease is 400 years in the making and it must be faced. I share this not to get a pat on the back but to document that as for my family, we are listening. We are committing to the work. There will be mistakes made, but this will be a life-long effort all the same.

The challenges with my kids and COVID life go hand-in-hand, or rather, the challenges with my kids feel like a major, direct result of COVID life that has gone on now over NINETY days in our corner of the world. And it feels like a lot of folks have moved on, but again, in honesty, I’m struggling with that. It’s not gone, folks aren’t wearing masks consistently, and on a person note, the little members of my family are missing their people HARD CORE right now. All they want is their friends. And to see their extended family. And have the ability to go and do summer things like they normally would. And to get away from their siblings. And, and, and. And it all feels hard.

Emotions are running high. Lots of squabbles, lots of yells, lots of weepy moments. And mind you, that applies to the parents as much as the children because this just isn’t easy and there’s no clear way of knowing when life will feel and actually be “normal” again which makes it all seem that much harder in those intense moments.

And therein lies the point of this post: we – as a nation, as individual states and communities, as families, and as individuals – are stuck in some highly intense shit right now. On some levels, some folks have already been there (forever). On others, it feels like most of us are moving through some major, prolonged uncertainty. And again – as a collective and as a family unit – it all feels like a lot (because it is) and like it will be as such for a long time to come.

As I said, I’m no expert, on anything. I have no answers. All I know is that in our house, we will keep doing the work of anti-racism. We will keep doing what we can to keep our health systems from being overrun with COVID. We will keep trying to find ways to keep our kids moving through all of these big shifts and hard moments. And we’ll keep trying to keep ourselves sane and moving, too, because we know the work we do here has the ability to spread but it is going to take time and care and compassion, and yes, a hell of a lot more intensity, too.