Can I Have a Hug?

For years (forever?) I have been the mom who doesn’t force her kids to dole out physical affection. This goes for hugs and kisses to me, Dad, grandparents, anyone. As a survivor of sexual assault, consent is a pretty big deal and plays into this, but overall this approach of asking first has been our way to teach the kids autonomy over their own bodies.

In our day-to-day this looks like me asking before I give them snuggles and such with the primary question being, “Do you give hugs (or kisses or snuggles) today?” and then gracefully accepting whatever they say in that moment. No pouting, no guilt trips if they say no, just check-ins to see if anyone is need of some physical love and doling it out when they do.

To be honest, as much as I personally need consent to involved, I don’t make the children ask me first before they hug me because let’s be real – I’m never saying ‘no’ to those little hugs and kisses, even when they are accompanied by dirty faces and sticky fingers (I just cringe a little on the extra messy ones because I know laundry may be involved). But apparently years of modeling this Ask First policy have paid off because I’ve noticed a trend lately where the Bigs do in fact ask before they come in for a squeeze and I love it.

Harrison especially has been asking lately and again – I’m never saying no because as my oldest who is off to middle school in the fall, I know these exchanges with him could be numbered/limited in the years to come. I mean, maybe not, but as he gets closer and closer to catching me in height (my bets are on him passing me by Christmas), I can’t help but recognize that things they are a changing and he is growing up quickly. There’s a lot to be proud of when it comes to him, but this back and forth of asking and respecting, this voicing of what he needs or perceives of me maybe needing is pretty cool to see.

So can you have a hug? Yes, you bet. Anytime.

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