Headaches and Hiding

As if the last March-to-March didn’t make me enough of a hermit and homebody, the nearly constant, 90% daily headaches I’ve been having since early April of this year (that means I’m nearing the two month mark with that) have left me in very slow, very reluctant re-entry into the world.

OK, let’s be real. That’s not all the fault of the headaches. I’m one who would have come out of COVID life more slowly than most anyway but they certainly haven’t helped me feel up and ready dip a toe, really, much less dive back in to whatever life is these days. <– clearly I still have some feelings about this, eh?

But it’s been several weeks since I’ve written or done an update on the health front, and some folks have been checking in which is a good reminder to get on here and do some writing as part of the healing process, too.

After close to six weeks of constant headaches, I ran into five glorious, beautiful, wonderful days of Feeling Better. Not perfect but so much more myself that I was so relieved. Then came the backslide and it was not good. It also wasn’t a return to the height of pain, but still, to go backwards at all felt so defeating and even though things have improved somewhat since then, I still haven’t had another chunk of (or any) good days resurface. As a semi-side note, the level of awareness this has brought me about those living with chronic pain is huge. Being in pain every single day discolors and impacts every other area of your life, not just how your body feels. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, ever.

The good news is, my MRI came back clear. I’ve since sent off some samples for hormone testing and our house is currently being evaluated for mold due to our leaky roof over the last year (that’s a post/update all on its own, I believe). Either of those could easily be the culprit and I’m very curious to know results on both. I’ve also continued with chiropractor and acupuncture and some other therapies, all of which remain hopeful and positive that we will get this figured out/fixed. I’ll be honest that I struggle more days than not to keep that same faith, but I also know there has to be some resolution because I can’t accept this as my new normal. I just won’t.

Having the kids home for summer is both lovely and an added factor of difficulty in all this because in case you haven’t met them or realized from me yet, there’s a LOT of them and they are NOT quiet. Even when I’m feeling 100% I think my kids are loud, so imagine how it is with a constant headache. They’ve gotten way too used to me shushing them and also trying to find space from them somewhere, somehow in our very full house, now affectionately called The Pancake Stack. Thank goodness Ben is also home for the summer so I can indeed “run” and hide from time to time which I’ve been doing in some odd, creative, and unique ways. One of those is this crazy looking cool-pack headache hat thingamajig that arrived yesterday and requires me to sit for 15 minutes when I wear it. It’s freezing fricking cold for the first 6 minutes and I can’t tell if it actually works or just makes my head feel better because eventually I take it off, but again I tell you – trying alllll the things because somewhere an answer and some relief await me.

This is an odd start to summer vacation. It’s a rough patch after an impossibly difficult year. At some point, something has to shift because as much as I like to internalize and introvert, I miss my people and I miss myself.

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