The Great Unknown

Let’s be clear – in April and even in May, I still thought my kids would be able to get together this summer with their classmates and teachers and have some sort of closure and “goodbye” to last year’s classes which would maybe, somehow, make up ever so slightly for the insanity that was the COVID-19, unexpected end of 4th, 2nd, and Kindergarten for my school-age kids.

In June and early July I kissed that idea and all other group social settings goodbye for the summer and started trying to figure out how to get masks for my kids that could be washed, worn, and replaced/found as needed because clearly having just one was not enough for whatever was coming this fall. I mean, we still rarely go anywhere, and granted, no one has had to wear one for an entire day, but so far in small doses, my kids have done a good job with them which felt like a baby step in the right direction for the coming school year.

And then in mid-July, as numbers started to climb again, I realized that all my hopes of returning to some sort of normal this fall were once again uncertain and I started entertaining the thought of something I never thought I would consider: voluntary (at) home school via an e-learning option.

Before I continue, a disclaimer: this blog is about me, my children, and our life. I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m simply telling you about our lived experiences, as a way to share and document what’s happening in our lives.

And our life is as such: I am married to a public school teacher. My kids attend public school in the same district. I am the daughter and granddaughter of public school teachers/administrators. I even taught 7-12 English for a year in a tiny NE town. This stuff lives in my blood. But for the first time ever, I’m not sure I can handle sending my kids to any school that meets in person outside of this house. And trust me, I know what a privilege it is for me to even be considering that.

But here’s the deal. Even if the chances of my kids getting sick and staying that way are low, the number of intersections that my family would have with three kids in one elementary building and a husband/dad in a high school building is just way too much for my comfort and concern levels. And yes, we’ve already made the call NOT to send No.4 to preschool because that would be another heavily trafficked building, and YES, I broke down and bawled after making that phone call because the thought of him missing his five-day year breaks my heart. But the increase in potential exposure, when we’ve been as careful as can be, was just too much.

And so goes our thinking with our other kids, too, even though Ben obviously does not have the choice on whether or not to be in the classroom. I already work from home, so if I can continue to do that while also working with them on school, which would keep their would-be in-person classes smaller while also keeping B’s exposure through them out of those classrooms (that’s confusing, but I promise it makes sense if you sit with it for a second), too. And to me that feels like a contribution to the health and safety of all the adults in our elementary school, not to mention other families that don’t have to interact with that many buildings/people.

Does it suck? Yes. A lot. There’s a ton to miss by sitting out and every time I go down that rabbit hole, my head and heart get heavy. It seems like I am, throughout each day, noticing things around my house that are school-related and I’m realizing that for the first quarter at least (that’s the minimum commitment to the online option in our district), my kids won’t be part of it. And that includes a newly renovated building they’ve been waiting two years to see. Again, my. heart. hurts.

Do I worry about socialization for my kids who are already months in to missing their friends and classmates? Yes. A lot. But I also don’t think socialization is going to be normal at school, even if they are there, soooooo……

Do I worry about my own ability to teach them from home without Ben’s help? Yes. A fair bit. As of right now we are planning to go with the school’s provided online instruction option, not an actual home school waiver, so I don’t have to reinvent the wheel just yet here, folks. And having a set schedule/routine will put us leaps and bounds ahead of where we were in the spring, so somehow, I will figure it out and it will be fine, even if it is far from pretty.

Do I worry about my own sanity to teach them from home without Ben’s help? Yes. More than a fair bit. But I also can’t imagine how I would feel if they got sick or passed something to someone else, even unknowingly. I have some legit PTSD from having a newborn baby in the NICU for three weeks and that was with me by her side 12 hours every day. To have a child, spouse, or parent be sick in the hospital without access to any outside visitors? My brain can’t go there. And no, that’s not me living in fear. It’s me living in my experiences thus far and what I’m willing to put forth at this point in time with risk factors.

Do I wonder what safety measures we should be putting in place for Ben’s coming and going from school every day? Yes, a ton. The lack of compassion I see on the internet for teachers right now (and by extension, their families) is appalling. Who else is crammed into contained spaces with that many people for that long of time, day after day (factory workers, perhaps, and we’ve seen how well that has gone in terms of testing and prevention)? And when you take into consideration secondary teachers who see multiple grades and classes throughout the day, the potential for problems is huge.

Thankfully our district is presenting to the school board that masks be required for the upcoming school year. Unfortunately that option won’t be decided on until Aug. 10 and in order to opt out to online instruction, we must respond by July 31. So not knowing more about what rules and procedures will look like makes it hard for me to just wait and see on this one. They did offer an online Town Hall Monday evening which I attended with earbuds in and pencil in hand for note-taking, but even after getting some questions answered, I still don’t think in-person is where my comfort is for my kids. I mean, I clearly know where I fall on the risk tolerance scale and even though I feel insanely isolated at this point in 2020, I can only make the decision that is best for me and my family given our situation, circumstances, and knowledge.

So, it’s blue light blockers for all (to protect their eyeballs and brains from school-via-screens), and to all a good night.

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Just kidding. I don’t see many “good nights” in our near future as we wait/ride this out and I am feeling far from flip over all this.

I think the levels of uncertainty and stress have the potential to grow quite a bit between now and the start of school as we navigate just what it looks like to have a husband/father on the front lines (don’t even come at me on this one; it’s long been true of educators and this year more than ever) and a house full of kids who are beyond sick of each other and this situation.

But also, when we discussed with the Bigs about the potential of them not going to school even when Daddy does, they got it. It’s not ideal, and they’re with me that it seems like there are more bads than goods about this, but they also see that by keeping them home, we’re still just trying to do our part to keep our neighbors and our community safe as well as our immediate family.

If only that protection* and these decisions came with an option as easy as some non-script glasses.

*Masks! Masks are protection! And we’re thrilled our district is planning/hoping to recommend them for as many people for as much of the time together as possible. I really do think that will help and maybe it means this school-at-home gig will only be for a short time instead of extended. I can only hope and pray that’s what happens here.

 

 

Social (Media) Distance

Just shy of two weeks ago, a friend challenged another friend and I, on a Friday morning, to just perhaps, just maybe stay away from Facebook for the day. No scrolling. Just no time spent at all if we could help it.

And I while I couldn’t help it 100%, I took her challenge that day and ran it with it for over a week.

I still continued to post articles, memes, and pictures of my life, from both Instagram and Facebook. I thought I would just check and respond to notifications, but then, since bad habits are hard to break, I allowed myself 2-3 minutes tops of scrolling a few times throughout each day, thinking that would help.

Of course it didn’t.

Naturally I would see something that would either hurt my tired heart or make my blood pressure sky rocket and then I would chastise myself for falling into the trap of still being on there. And even though my phone informed me that my screen time from last week dropped by an embarrassingly high percentage number (think: a passing grade on an assignment), I entered this week still feeling like the games of comparison and judgement that come with social media use were taking far more than they were giving me in return. 

So, I stopped.

I turned off all notifications for FB, IG, and Marco Polo. I kept Messenger because I still wanted an easy way to connect with people who might not be able to text me. I didn’t delete the apps entirely because my “click impulse” was already relaxed after last week to not be touching those little icons as much (although I fully reserve the right to go back and delete them or move them to a back screen on my phone for good measure).

I then messaged a handful of people who I knew might be wondering about my sudden radio silence, letting them know that the next week will be a no-social-media zone for me.

And then I semi-failed because, Lordy,  I still posted several things throughout the next day! (insert palm to forehead emoji here) Apparently my fingers and brain are twitchier about this than I realized but I did manage zero scrolling, responding just to whatever was said on those posts and that’s it. So, baby steps?

Maybe it will last longer than that. Maybe I will continue to cheat (I’ll have to in order to share this post or others that I write in the future). But if you’ve read this far as to why I’m not online as much, perhaps you’ll understand my spotty response and my attempt to get to full SM shutdown, at least for a little bit, before this summer is over. There’s just too much noise in my head and heart these days and I need to sit with that without the distraction or the addition of all that is social media land. Will it work? We shall s

2020 Books

Normally I share my book list once a month or so but as you all know, 2020 has been anything but normal. And really, if I had done that to start the year, this would have seemed far more impressive as I read something like 11 books in January alone, but I think 43 is still a pretty good place for mid-July-ish.

I’ll be honest, I hit a big reading slump after quarantine started. I just could not focus on books for many weeks in a row. But slowly that shifted and I got back into the swing of things; now I find that I am often reading one or two hard copy books at once AND listening to one on my daily walks thanks to the free library app, Hoopla. It’s a crazy book life!

What follows is the list in order of finish date, with highly recommended titles in bold and the 3-5 books I’m currently working on and my TBR list at the bottom.

As always, I’m happy to hear your suggestions for what else to add to my ever-growing stack of books I can’t wait to read. Thanks to some serious diving in to anti-racism work and the kind loans of a box+ worth of books from friends, I already have a lot waiting for my attention, but you know me – there can never be enough books!

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  1. Know My Name by Chanel Miller — this book is a must read for survivors and supporters/advocates, not to mention medical and police personal and basically anyone who is connected to someone who has experienced sexual assault (read: everyone). I very much appreciate the light that Miller shed on her experience and the questions that she raised about a very broken system. (finished 1.1.2020)
  2. No One Ever Asked by Katie Ganshert — this book takes on a LOT of tasks/topics, from race and parental and marital relationships, to friendship and education reform. That said, it was still easy enough to follow and keep straight among the many characters, and (many) important questions were raised about all of those subjects, so it was a worthwhile read.
  3. Only Child by Rhiannon Navin — this was another page turner for me (I was also taking full advantage of my final hours before my Winter Break ended). The narrator’s voice is both unique and compelling, and allows you to see so many sides of the story even though it is told from one perspective. (finished 1.5.2020)
  4. The Overstory by Richard Powers — Read. This. Book. You simply must. It changed the way I look at the world.
  5. The Dutch House by Ann Patchet — I liked this one very much, even though maybe not as much as I expected based on the recommendations from some of my favorite reader friends.
  6. Good Riddance by Elinor Lipman —  chose this as an audio listen for a road trip and was really into it for the first half but then the second part just jumped the shark way too much. I guess it was a decent fluff read, but not my favorite by any means.
  7. Washington Black by Esi Edugyan (book club read) — I had to plow through half of this to get it done on time for book club which maybe didn’t quite do it justice, but it was an interesting read, even if it took many turns I didn’t expect and left me a bit confused at the end. (finished 1/26/20)
  8. UnFuck Yourself by Gary John Bishop — Listen to this book!!! Then, get a hard copy like I want to and highlight the sh!t out of it.
  9. The Beekeeper of Aleppo by Christy Lefteri — this is an excellent read on many levels, including how it is written but mostly for the content covered – families fleeing modern-day Syria. (finished 1/30/20)
  10. Ayesha at Last by Uzma Jalauddin — LOVED this one. Such an enjoyable, quick read about relationships (and religion and family and life). Definitely recommend!
  11. Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones (book club read) — the dual narration was done in a different style here that made the second half of the book far more interesting to me even though I liked the first narrator more. Strange, eh?
  12. A Duke by Default by Alyssa Cole — a friend loaned me a stack of romance novels and I have to say, it did make for lighter reading and wasn’t as over the top as I thought it might be based on genre.
  13. Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng (book club read) — normally I don’t reread books but this one was excellent the first time around and I did NOT want to be lacking memory for the book club discussion of this. Plus it was fun to reread with knowledge of what was to come; made me pay attention to some smaller but significant parts of the book the second time through it!
  14. The Proposal by Jasmine Guillory — definitely a beach read which may seem like an odd choice in February, but given the heaviness of everything else in the world, not actually a bad way to go for before-bed reading. (finished 2/20/20)
  15. The House We Grew Up In by Lisa Jewell — I had high hopes for this family/siblings dynamic novel and it did resolve eventually by the end in a semi-satisfying way, but some of it was too disturbing to make it a read I’d recommend.  (finished 2.27.20)
  16. Once Upon a River by Diane Setterfield (book club read) — I don’t read much fantasy because it tends to confuse me but this was enjoyable and mysterious without being cloying and also kept me up reading past bedtime a couple nights because I wanted to know what would happen next.
  17. The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris (book club read) — stories such as this one, that are based on real-life experiences, blow my mind. And, on a side note, this one reads really quickly, perhaps in part because it was first imagined as a screenplay. (finished 3.6.2020)
  18. Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Stout — sometimes when we read a book that isn’t aligned with our season of life, it doesn’t hit right. And while I’d say that is the case with this book, I still really, really liked it because of the way it was written. The book is named for a main character but very little of the book is told from her perspective and some chapters barely even include mentions of her, but still the whole thing comes together and paints a portrait of her life. Pretty cool.
  19. Untamed by Glennon Doyle — I loved it. You should read it. Duh. (finished 3.22.20)
  20. On the Come Up by Angie Thomas — same author as The Hate You Give and while this one didn’t shake me as much as that one, I still really enjoyed reading it. (finished 4.5.20)
  21. Honestly, a side note is needed here. Since COVID-19 hit hard in the US, my desire, ability, willingness to read has tanked. I’d love the distraction but find it hard to focus on books. Instead, it’s a lot of time with the kids, time outside with the kids, and watching movies with the kids (and on our own). We’ve been watching Star Wars movies and B and I have been binge-watching all the seasons of Parks and Recreation and the mini-series Little Fires Everywhere and documentary Tiger King. We also did season one of The Watchmen (and whoa, just whoa).
  22. The Woman’s Hour: the great fight to win the vote by Elaine Weiss — I learned a ton from this book but really struggled to read it on my Kindle. It seemed to take forever. Also, it was incredibly frustrating to read about the Antis who were a group of women fighting against the women’s suffrage movement. That honestly makes my blood boil. I am grateful for all those that fought for this right that 100 years later, I use and will never take for granted.
  23. Red at the Bone by Jacqueline Woodson — the last library book I had at home from The Before. It’s a YA read which in a way makes it easier, but I still thought it was an intense family story, albeit beautifully written and with compelling characters. (finished 4.20.20)
  24. The Ethan I was Before by Ali Standish (book club pick) — this YA read followed an enjoyable unfolding format and I could see where it would be really well received by teen readers. It’s a really compelling story about friendship and forgiveness.
  25. The Keeper of Lost Things by Ruth Hogan — there were some elements of this audio book that I loved, but it also confused the heck out of me (I think in part because it was audio and not on the page for me to understand what was happening with the shifting narrators), and then it jumped the shark with some really bizarre developments annnnnd, yeah. Not terrible. Not great. (finished 5.4.2020)
  26. The Library Book by Susan Orlean — I did not expect this nonfiction book about the LA Library and its 1986 fire to be this fascinating or quick to read, but it was awesome. Such a great book for readers and library lovers. How how I miss the library these days!
  27. All We Ever Wanted by Emily Giffin –this was a quick but intense read. It would be a good one for book club in that it covers parenting, privilege, and how to advocate in situations of sexual assault.
  28. Dear Girls by Ali Wong — I have never watched an Ali Wong comedy special but I love audio books read by their actual authors and this memoir did not disappoint. I have started walking every day and am really liking audio books during those; this might just be what gets me over the hump of problematic pandemic reading.
  29. The Gift by Cecelia Ahern — Needed another audio book for walking and this one by a familiar author was available. I struggled to suspend my disbelief very well for this one, or at least as much as was needed, but I guess it was an okay Christmas-y time read (even though it is currently mid-May). (finished 5.19.20)
  30. The Round House by Louise Erdrich — I can’t believe I’m reading this right now because it is SO heavy, but I’m desperate for real books to read and this one has been on my shelf for years, so there you have it. Once I got past the serious subject matter, the story itself sucked me in enough to keep going. I was left with some questions (I think intentionally) and was really impressed with the story telling style Erdrich uses.
  31. Shrill by Lindy West — Oh, wow. I don’t know if I’ve read any West pieces before or not (but chances are I have) but I am instantly a fan after listening to her book (in less than 24 hours, mind you, thanks to a basement painting project and walk). Her stances on fat shaming, abortion, and rape culture in comedy were all so interesting and I loved listening to her tell her stories. (finished 5.21.20)
  32. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins — Thank goodness for Hoopla! I had originally requested the hard copy of this upon release from the library but since the library is still closed, I was thrilled to see it pop up as an open-to-all, free audio book instead. And it was so good; revisiting the world of The Hunger Games with this prequel was so intriguing.
  33. Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid — Now, technically I just read in the last 6-8 months, but dang, I loved it so and then a friend told me how well done the audio version was, so I had to give it a go. I think it would be a bit confusing to follow the book this way on the first-time through, but it was so well done and it is such a good story!
  34. The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold — yeah, I don’t know why I didn’t expect strange and morbid in another book by the author of The Lovely Bones (which I remember really liking) but this one is definitely both of those things (without so much liking on my part).
  35. Beach Read by Emily Henry — This was a good audio for walk/listening to and while I shouldn’t be surprised by “too much romance” in a book called Beach Read, I still didn’t think the story needed to go quite so Harlequin in places. Beyond that, it was a pleasant enough read.
  36. The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern — Holy Mother of Confusion, Batman. This book. What?! I was lost through literally the whole thing. I know COVID Life has messed with my reading ability, but what? This was so confusing, it made me feel bad. Do other people reading this understand it? I did not.
  37. To All the Boys I Ever Loved by Jenny Han — umm, I didn’t sleep well one night and ended up reading this teen romance drama in one sitting. It was such a needed brain break and also an enjoyable story to follow, based on the recommendation of a friend earlier this year. Looking forward to reading the other two in the series.
  38. Just Mercy by Brian Stevenson — been meaning to read this one for years and put it off. But finally got my hands on a copy and I flew through it. It reads so quickly and is so compelling and informative, not to mention both heartbreaking and hope-filled. A must read! (finished 6.20.20)
  39. I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown — oh, this book. It is so fantastic. And it is the perfect complement to the Me and White Supremacy 28-Day Challenge that I’m currently working on as it gives poignant narrative examples to so much of what that book covers. This should be on all Christians’ To Read list.
  40. Olive, Again by Elizabeth Strout — wanting to read this is what had me read OK earlier this year and I have to say, even though that was just a few months ago, it still took me a while to recall and catch on to several characters who were clearly in both books. I can’t imagine if I had gone years between them! But I enjoyed the dive back in to Olive’s life and community, even if I’m not in a classic stage of life that relates to the protagonist.
  41. All Adults Here by Emma Straub — I was gifted a BotM subscription and this was my first read from that little collection. It was light enough to go quickly and breezed through a few too many characters too quickly, but I still enjoyed the family dynamics at play and liked the overall story line of it. I did notice a number of little nuggets that had me wanting to dog-ear the pages as I read – little mantras about life and parenting that seemed to ring capital T-truth. (finished 7.5.2020)
  42. The Mountains Sing by Nguyen Phan Que Mai — this book will rip you wide open for its hardship and its sadness, but then, also, it has such lines of beauty and truth in it (not that hardship and sadness aren’t true). Several times I caught my breath while listening for the T-truth experienced by these characters in Vietnam. As a side note, this was one of the best audio books I’ve listened to of all time.
  43. Delicious by Sherry Thomas — a brain break in the form of a romance novel. There are worse things to do, I suppose.
  44. Gilead by Marilynn Robinson — this was a reread for me, but felt like a first read because even though I recognized the cover, I remembered very little of the story. I participated in a church-wide book club in which I got to be part of a panel of English teachers helping with three Zoom podcast discussions of the book throughout the reading which was very enjoyable and made me pay attention WAY more to details in the book than I normally do. (finished 7/20/20)
  45. The Henna Artist by Alka Joshi — in progress
  46. Me and White Supremacy Layla F. Saad — in progress — so I am 3/4 of the way through this as I am reading/Journaling my way through the 28 days in a 56 day format, along side a virtual small group that meets online once a week to discuss each day of the book. This is required reading and work as far as I am concerned.
  47. The Island of Sea Women by Lisa Lee
  48. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

 

Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall

We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

When They Call you a Terrorist: a Black Lives Matter Memoir by Patrisse Khan-Cullors and Asha Bandele

How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado

Careful What You Wish For

Three Women by Lisa Taddeo

The Tuscan Child by Rhys Bowen

Blowout by Rachel Maddow

 

Morning Mama Time

Pre-COVID I had grand plans of establishing a new early morning wake up routine to try to help settle and calm my night sleeping routines. Like pretty much every other attempt at normalcy, all that went out the window in late March. Granted, I probably needed it more than ever then to get some “me” time but hells to the no, 5:00A was not on my list of priorities in early quarantine.

Now that we are eleventy billion days into this, I have had to (re)establish some patterns and habits because we.are.struggling.

For one, as previously written, I started walking. I haven’t missed a day of that which means I am somewhere near the three month (who actually knows; time is weird) mark of getting my rear in gear on the daily. And that feels good. In the last couple weeks, due to fireworks and full days, I’ve had to do multiple sessions on the elliptical instead and I’m pleased to see the progress I have made in strength and endurance. I can now crank out an extra 400 in the time it used to take me to do a mile and I’m not sucking air like I was back in February when I’d stagger off the machine.

The other “something’s gotta give” shift came in the form of a compromised get-up-early time. Instead of 5A, I started with 6:20 because, in theory, that gives me an hour-ish of time to myself before the kids are allowed to roam the house. And yes, I said allowed. I know people think we are weird for how early our kids go to bed but for the love of all things holy, they wake up so damn early, some balance must be made. And some boundaries must be set, which includes when they are allowed to turn on their lights to read/quiet play in the mornings and when they are allowed to leave their rooms for breakfast.

This early morning time has been great because it allows me to drink my coffee in peace, work on school stuff, and keep up with my 28 (56) days white supremacy book work. What it hasn’t allowed for, however, is actual kid-free time.

The oldest two would be just fine to read for their whole hour and the youngest is still in her crib (thank goodness) so it is the two middle boys who are the biggest loose cannons, with the middlest of all (who still can’t read and now sleeps on the main floor like me) being the worst and most interruptive cannon of all. Oh, Linky. I love you to pieces, and, you test my patience a lot when it comes to giving me my peace that I am seeking out by getting up early in the first place.

How is it so hard for children to understand that Mama does NOT want to parent before 7:30A?

Of course that doesn’t mean that I actually ignore them. I parent a lot on a lot of my early mornings. But as this quarantine life continues, this need for space also persists.

And as a side note: quarantine does continue for us, even when it seems like many of the people around us have moved on (even as cases and deaths continue to rise). We saw grandparents for the first time for the 4th of July weekend to celebrate Linky’s birthday and the Big 4 did get to participate in their first outside-the-home activities this past week (camp at our favorite local nature center and summer orchestra), but that’s it. And it probably will be for some time, because unless people start taking masks seriously (and not just for photo opps) this is going to drag on for the foreseeable future. End side note.

Depending on how things unfold, I may just keep pushing that get up time earlier and earlier because it really is the only way to get shit done with this small country of children that share my roof around all the time. Another side note: I am not actually complaining about that, nor do I want them to stop being around so much any time soon; I just want a little ounce of Morning Mama Time to keep me feeling OK in one of the most not-OK-est years that I have ever known.

Relentless Togetherness: 100 Days

Is anyone else out there still counting days since all this madness started? Did you let that go when school ended or your local government started loosening restrictions?

For us, well, we’re still counting because until school starts again or life semi-sort-of-in-some-small-way resembles “normal,” it seems worth remembering that we’ve been at this for a long freaking time and that it. is. not. normal. And for the most part, we’re not yet moving through the world as if it is.

By our count, which stems from the day the kids went on an already scheduled long weekend break in March and then never went back, Friday marked 100 days of Quarantine Life. 100. DAYS. That is a gross number in this context. It is a sad and frustrating and disheartening number. It is also a privileged and lucky number because our jobs and our situation have allowed us to reach that point where thankfully we’ve been able to be in our house (not an apartment) and have a yard and neighborhood (not a city metropolis) in which to get fresh air every day, too.

But also, gross. And super hard because of what I’ve started calling “the relentless togetherness.” Life with just us and no outside interaction or distraction that doesn’t come in the form of a screen has been incredibly hard on my not-so-little crew. And, let’s be real, on me.

To lighten that a bit, we’ve been trying to find some and new and creative ways to pass the time. Last weekend each kid got to see exactly one friend in an outdoor setting for a bit of actual face time; while it definitely helped, we’re back in home mode so we can hopefully see some family sooner than later because that lack has been so challenging throughout all of this. But we are not down for big interactions, indoor or outdoor at this point, for us or the kids, family or not.

We have, however, returned to B making occasional trips to the local grocery store (in his mask and with a short list) instead of relying only on grocery pick ups and deliveries which meant we “celebrated” (that is so the wrong word; “marked” or “documented” img_8193would be better) 100 Days by getting our favorite Russ’s donuts yesterday morning so we could “write out” and then devour, the number 100. The children would have very much liked us to BUY 100 donuts and deliver to friends, but we drew the line at that and kept the sugar overload to just our house.

What we won’t be able to keep just house-bound, before too long, are the great quantities of God’s eyes that the Big 3 have started making. RL was working on a different yarn/straw weaving craft that her teacher shared with her via YouTube this spring which sparked my memory and love of making God’s eyes as a kid at VBS and church camp. Oh. Man. So many memories and so much love. I found some sticks and stole some of RL’s yarn and discovered that that craft is like riding a bike and even after close to 20 years since I last made one, I’ve still got it! AND I’ve still got the counselor skills in me because I was able to teach the Big 3 how to do it with very little drama (and even left-handed in one case).

So, all of this is to say, we’re still here. We’re still doing this. We’re still taking things as seriously as we can while also trying, in some ways, to step back in to the world in small, mindful ways. None of this is fun (except making yarn crafts with my kids; that’s been pretty awesome).

 

Intense Mode

Look, I’ll be honest: I’m not sure if I should be writing about COVID life, challenges with my kids, protests over Black Lives Matter or anything at this point. Instead I’m going to muddle my way through all of it, because that feels more true to life these days as we are swirling through all of these big movements and moments all day, every day.

I’ll go in reverse order and start with the protests. And again I’ll say, look: I am no expert. I am a human being trying to do better. And what’s more, I’m a white person, who is listening and learning and reading and unlearning and looking really hard at all the ways my life has been made easier just based on the color of my skin and what I can do to make the world a more just, fair, and equal place to live for BIPOC.

A lot of that work starts in my own head and heart and under my own roof.

What I’m doing is reading and journaling through the Me and White Supremacy workbook. What I’m doing is ordering other books written by BIPOC authors, supporting them and learning from them as much as I can. What I’m doing is having incredibly img_8058frank conversations with my oldest kids about what is happening in our country right now and, importantly, why it is all happening. What I’m doing is trying to share resources and perspectives that help other people see where they can start in this work too. What I’m doing is leaving my house for the first time for a community event to attend a protest last week, not because I think COVID is over, but because this other img_8107disease is 400 years in the making and it must be faced. I share this not to get a pat on the back but to document that as for my family, we are listening. We are committing to the work. There will be mistakes made, but this will be a life-long effort all the same.

The challenges with my kids and COVID life go hand-in-hand, or rather, the challenges with my kids feel like a major, direct result of COVID life that has gone on now over NINETY days in our corner of the world. And it feels like a lot of folks have moved on, but img_8090again, in honesty, I’m struggling with that. It’s not gone, folks aren’t wearing masks consistently, and on a person note, the little members of my family are missing their people HARD CORE right now. All they want is their friends. And to see their extended family. And have the ability to go and do summer things like they normally would. And to get away from their siblings. And, and, and. And it all feels hard.

Emotions are running high. Lots of squabbles, lots of yells, lots of weepy moments. And mind you, that applies to the parents as much as the children because this just isn’t easy and there’s no clear way of knowing when life will feel and actually be “normal” again which makes it all seem that much harder in those intense moments.

And therein lies the point of this post: we – as a nation, as individual states and communities, as families, and as individuals – are stuck in some highly intense shit right now. On some levels, some folks have already been there (forever). On others, it feels like most of us are moving through some major, prolonged uncertainty. And again – as a collective and as a family unit – it all feels like a lot (because it is) and like it will be as such for a long time to come.

As I said, I’m no expert, on anything. I have no answers. All I know is that in our house, we will keep doing the work of anti-racism. We will keep doing what we can to keep our health systems from being overrun with COVID. We will keep trying to find ways to keep our kids moving through all of these big shifts and hard moments. And we’ll keep trying to keep ourselves sane and moving, too, because we know the work we do here has the ability to spread but it is going to take time and care and compassion, and yes, a hell of a lot more intensity, too.

 

 

Halfway Point?

Because I am married to a Math Man, we talk numbers a lot in our family. I mean, maybe not everyone would agree with my quantitative qualifies, because I am clearly the word nerd in the group, but for real, it seems like a LOT.

Since COVID life started for us in mid-March, we started keeping track on the calendar with just how many days it has been because honestly, how else would we keep track? And somehow, today is day 79. Seventy-freaking-nine of not seeing grandparents or friends in person, of playing at parks or participating in school and activities. I may not be a numbers expert, but it sure feels like that’s a crap-ton.

And again, because, Math, I also happen to know that today marks 79* days until school starts again in the fall. That means we are really only at the halfway point of this bizarre, unwanted extended summer that really doesn’t feel like summer because we don’t feel comfortable doing pretty much any of the things we’d normally do outside of our own yard in “the before times” summer.    *He tells me that it’s somewhere between 79 and 80 between tonight and tomorrow and oh my gosh are you kidding me, so many numbers and math! 😉

And that is a lot to process because, as those of you living with small armies of dependents you are responsible for raising/creating whilst existing in the midst of the most uncertain and stressful time any of us have ever experienced, we’ve sort of already reached our max of Together Time.

Are you feeling that, too?

In case you didn’t know, I’m a quiet person who likes quiet time and my house is never ever quiet anymore (not even when the children are on screens; in fact, sometimes when they play video games, they are louder in both celebration and frustration than when off them). And it seems that none of us is ever getting a real honest break or time away to do our thing. The closest I’ve gotten is driving to pick up groceries or grade papers off-site and neither of those tasks are vacation-like in any way!

Normally during summer we’d have a week or two when we’d be all home without something scheduled, but otherwise it would be this kid here for that camp or that kid there for something else, and goodness, without any outliers to break up the days, the constant togetherness is overwhelming. And we are still 79ish flipping days away from a real change in that.

Sidenote: I would be freaking the freak out if I wasn’t with my kids right now. That is not my wish at all. I am glad that we are privileged and able to be together during this time. And also, it is a lot to handle. Both things are the truth.

I keep trying to figure out how we can split things up a bit better but so far I’m still coming up blank as to how to make it happen. My latest approach is to let them pair or group up naturally to go off and play whatever and not interfere as long as it stays relatively peaceful. Sometimes that works (until it doesn’t), and then we try again. I don’t know how much that is different from pre-COVID life, actually, but all the same, I wish we had some better ways to shake things up (and spread the heck out from one another).

The way most days go, at some point (or ten) they end up in a prickly cluster in which they literally will not separate even though they are clearly not getting along (see image below). We are fortunate to live in a town with yards and a house with multiple rooms and not an apartment in a city where we’d be really really stuck together, but it doesn’t seem to make much difference to this crew – they still gravitate to one another and bicker.

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As it is, we’re just going to keep our fingers crossed and our hands washed and our masks on and hope against hope that all of this (and by “this” I mean the many, multiple, multifaceted layers of HARD that was this week in our country, but that is another blog post for another day) improves.

We’re willing to do the work to make it so (even if one of those “this”s means being on top of each other for another 79+ days).

 

Walk This Way

A month ago a friend posed a question to a group of us asking about what kind of movement we were doing that felt good and wasn’t a slippery slope into competitiveness. Now granted, the rest of us all happened to also be yoga teachers, but I think each of us has realized over the years that an asana practice is not the only way, and part of why my friend’s question struck such a chord with me is that the physical yoga I have been doing, especially since the start of the pandemic, hasn’t quite been the right combination to “burn off the crazy” as I like to put it.

That conversation sparked a commitment in myself to start doing something that might in fact counter all that. And while I’ve tried in the past to commit to a regular habit of walking (maybe I’ll get back to running someday but now is not that time), this time it seems to have stuck.

For the last four weeks, I have walked at least one mile or 20-30 minutes each and every day. There were a couple days where I did 20 minutes on the elliptical instead, but thanks to it being spring and the weather mostly cooperating (I have walked in the rain a couple times), I’ve been finding all different times of day and places to walk without fail ever since my friends and I had that (virtual) chat.

A few observations about the establishment of this pattern:

  1. I had to quit walking where I normally would in pre-pandemic life, which is to say, the big park not too far from my house that is a lovely mile-long “track” shape. I still venture near it sometimes depending on day/time, but mostly it has too many people around it and too many people spikes my anxiety which is the opposite of what the walk is meant to accomplish.
  2. I try to avoid people altogether during my walks. I cross the street, wide step, and basically do whatever to keep to myself when walking because, you know, particles, and COVID, and just, no thanks. I want everyone to be out getting what exercise they need but I don’t want to be around it, please and thank you.
  3. Walking has rebooted my reading habit. Weird, right? But instead of music, I actually like listening to words when I walk, so if I’m not getting caught up on my favorite podcast (which is not actually a podcast, but rather, my friends talking on Marco Polo), I like to listen to audiobooks from the library via the Hoopla or OverDrive apps. It’s awesome to walk and listen and I feel like I’m accomplishing two great things at once. My reading took a big hit when quarantine started and it’s still not back to normal, but I feel like this is getting me there.
  4. I feel so much better in my body. I know that even after four weeks of consistent mileage, there hasn’t been some huge physical/visible shift in my body, but I FEEL so much stronger and put together, which is saying something, especially in these trying, stressful times. I haven’t been on a scale (or at least not seen the numbers on one) since Lincoln was six weeks old, because I’d much rather pay attention to how I’m feeling and this walking routine is perhaps the strongest I’ve felt in ages.

img_7941And while I know a million little things could change at any minute, I’m glad that I’ve made this change and have been able to stick with it for this long. I hope that as the summer unfolds, I can keep it up, which will make it easier to transition it into an inside task later in the year. Because right now it does indeed feel good and finding something that does that every day is a huge benefit and blessing.

How Are You Doing *Really*?

Has anyone else noticed the awkward pause these days that has started happening when a conversation starts with the classic, “How are you doing?” question? This has always been a loaded inquiry that most of us never really answer truthfully (because who has time and usually the person asking isn’t a) looking for a novel-length amount of truth or b) a safe place in which to give such), but wow is it a total load of crap in COVID life.

And I say this as someone who still finds the words falling out of her mouth upon seeing people across the street or in a driveway (at 6+ feet of social distance)! Just like I can’t seem to kick the habit of asking, I also can’t help but sad-chuckle when it happens because you can see the truth written all over people’s faces (with their raised eyebrows and sort-of-there smiles) and you can definitely hear the disbelief in their “suuuuure, fine, yeah, you betcha’s” that now always comes after a pause as we all consider the absurdity of even asking or answering that.

Yesterday, though, I caught a twist on this question when I happened to see an Instagram story from my beloved Sara Bareilles in which she was participating in a tag-each-other challenge of answering the question, “How are you doing *really*?” which is to say, if you were going to answer that honestly, what would you say?

My answer has been rattling around my brain for the last 24 hours and if I’m being honest, it keeps landing back at “not great.”

For one, I live in a state that is already opening back up even though we never really shut down and have yet to see verified, complete (i.e. transparent) numbers of COVID cases decreasing.

For another, I live in a county that lives next to another county that both have some of the highest number of cases in our state and originally we were told we’d all have a couple extra weeks (until June 1) to keep restrictions in place to all of the sudden having that ripped out from under our feet by the Governor last week when he decided, “J/K” and said that our counties too would be loosening guidelines starting today. Excuse me, what?! The whiplash on that one sent me on a tailspin last week that has yet to let up.

For yet another, we now have to be the ones calling the shots about where and what our kids will be doing as some summer activities begin in the next couple weeks. We are of course always in charge of that and ultimately still are, but as things like baseball and dance start up again in June and some families around us start to participate, we have to explain to our kids why that won’t be the case for us. And sorry folks, but we won’t be doing either because to us the reward doesn’t outweigh the risk and that’s coming from two parents who very much love to watch their children do these very activities. I don’t know how we’ll explain to them that we aren’t when others are, but instead of as a state reevaluating at the end of the month, supposedly, here we are, being forced to send those emails of decline. Now. Two weeks before any sort of evaluation and real look at the state of affairs in our state.

And for yet one more, in a comedy of errors that has dragged on for a year and freaking half, we are still faced with what to do with our unfinished house projects. The carpet that we ordered in late February and have been putting off installation of for months now comes next week. Do I feel great about that? Nope, but I also want very much to have my house put back in order so I can actually put stuff away and have my house the way I haven’t had it (a.k.a. mine and done) since December 2018. DECEMBER 2018!!!

img_7893And I can’t think of a better metaphor for quarantine life than this: six weeks ago our side door, the one we use All. The. Time. broke. Just broke. I came in it. Ben went out it. And then it never opened again. Thankfully this less-than-a-year-old door was still under warranty and it didn’t cost us anything to fix, but that break happened SIX WEEKS AGO so all this time we’ve been without that, feeling even more trapped in our own house than we would have otherwise in this bizarre time. The good news is that the actual fix only took 20 minutes and the dude who came to fix it was super nice AND (even better) wearing a mask, so that helped alleviate some of my tension, but y’all, the anxiety train is running fast these days with the thought of what it will take to get to the point of actually being done with all this (renovation and Coronavirus, to be clear).

So how am I doing, really? I’m a mess. I’m wondering who to trust and what to believe, questioning what is safe and what is right, unsure of what to do and anxious about pretty much every choice we make. Are they the right ones? Who knows. Is this really any different than normal life? Maybe not. But it sure feels like the stakes are higher and the tension DEFINITELY is, so even if this isn’t all that different than the typical uncertainty of life, trying to figure out how to move forward from “this” has left me spinning.

I hope you get a second to think about how you are doing, really, and maybe even get a chance to share it with someone or write it out a bit. I know that’s not the magic bullet for everyone, but these times, they are worth a ponder and finding a writing utensil to document, that is for sure.

The Pre-Nap Steps

I don’t have to put Wilson down for her nap every day now that “summer” has started “early” (more on that in some other post) but there are still many days that I do and the process itself is so drawn out and ridiculous, and also sweet and cute, that I wanted to record it here. Please note, none of this takes into consideration all the steps that take place downstairs prior to Nap Time.

But for real, it is remarkable how true she is to this format each and every time:

Two books limit. Unless she insists on three. Or changes her mind five times mid-story as to which two are THE two. Try to commit titles to memory so you can later write them on 1,000 Books before Kindergarten sheet for Library.

Turn on noise machine and pick her up so she can turn off the light. Often this involves her identifying the hanging animals on the wall and/or the various baby cross stitches for three of the kids that live on the walls in her room. Confirmation must be given for each item identified.

Sing the “Family Goodnight Song” but only the versus for the girls and Mama and Daddy.

Sing one round of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

Sing one round of “You Are My Sunshine.”

Place her in crib. Make sure she already has Margaret Tiger AND Margaret’s blanket (this step must be done before you go upstairs in the first place, but then must be double checked at this point in the dark).

Cover her with blanket.

Pause when she pops up to insist on giving you a kiss. “I kiss you, Mama!”

Cover her with blanket.

Pause when she pops up to insist on giving you a hug. “I hug you, Mama!!”

Cover her with blanket.

Tell her “night-night” and “I love you” 20ish times, back and forth as you attempt to cover her for good.

Walk out continuing to say, “Good night, Wilson. I love you!” until you are finally in the clear.

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And that’s it! Just thirty-odd simple steps and you’ve put the toddler down for her nap! Also, this is not her in her bed, but in mine yesterday where she kept crashing my mother’s day reading party by bringing books to throw in my face to be read to her instead. Cutest little book monster I’ve ever seen.