WA

Animal Instincts

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

Animals have long had a special place in my heart but it wasn’t until adulthood that I can remember having an actual favorite in this world. Traveling will do that to you, though, and I definitely came home from my semester abroad in Africa in 2002 with a new love that’s stayed with me ever since for giraffes, also known in Swahili as twiga. I find them to be both beautiful and majestic and I could watch them for hours because their unique shape and movements captivate my attention.  

Since giraffe viewing isn’t an option in Nebraska, I’ve found ways to incorporate them into my style instead. When we got married, I managed to find a giraffe cake topper of a bride and groom giraffe couple, their entwined necks in a heart shape; ridiculous and fantastic, all the same. As a new mom, it was giraffe baby toys (by the handful) and baby clothes, and even I had a pair of giraffe-print TOMS shoes at one point. But I didn’t stop there with the animal connections in motherhood, as over time, each one of my babies took on animal characteristics of their own that, well, stuck.

For Harrison, it was the monkey. He was a busy, busy toddler, all over and into everything, so it was pretty easy to give him the nickname “monkey” while he was still a singleton little Welschie. He had a plush monkey that he loved to snuggle back in the day, too, and while that particular toy never became an icon in family lore, he did have a monkey-themed first birthday because of it. Mr. Monkey, HD – not the stuffie – remains a curious kid always wanting to know more, so the quick-wit and occasional cheekiness of the monkey still fits him well. 

Raegan earned her animal assignment as an infant when she did the opposite of sleeping at night. Instead of going to bed when the sun went down, her eyes got big and her sleep was a struggle, thereby making it an obvious choice to crown her as the owl of the family. Thankfully she grew out of that nightmare non-sleeping phase, but we kept the owl association in part because she has always been one full of wisdom who also keeps an “bird’s eye view” on things. She has collected various owl lovies, art pieces, and gear over the years and lists it as one of her favorite animals alongside the cheetah (more on that soon). 

Thanks to some awfully kicky legs in utero, Lincoln had an animal association before he even had a name! That baby kicked my ribs and stomach so much for so long during that pregnancy, he was going to be the frog, no matter who he turned out to be as a person. It was totally the right choice and like the others, this animal still fits LT to a “T” as he never seems to stop moving for very long and is always quick to jump from activity to activity, especially if sports are involved. As of this writing, LT claims basically the opposite of a frog as his favorite (the lion) but he will always have those great frog vibes to me.

Truman’s animal was more of a slow-roll for development, which in hindsight, makes perfect sense for a bear…fast when they want to be, and not-so-much when they don’t-so-want. The bear was a good fit for baby TJ because he was soooo snuggly and cozy those first few months of life, but it also fit the cranky side-eye look he perfected as a new baby, too. “Don’t poke the bear” was totally a thing in his infancy (a saying stolen from my family in relation to my brother who is in part, one of Truman’s namesakes), even though his eyebrows were often more mad than the rest of him. As Truman’s gotten older, he’s got a pretty fierce growl when he’s playing, but is still soft and cuddly at times, too, so the bear he remains, even if he says “tiger” when asked his favorite animal these days. 

I thought I had Wilson’s animal determined during pregnancy, too, because I kept seeing feathers everywhere during those months, so I assumed she (or he) would be a bird like big sis Raegan. However, Wilson rewrote that story with her very unique start to earth-side life and our 22-day stay in the NICU. During that time, a friend sent me a written piece about how elephants circle together around a newborn elephant and the mama elephant right after birth to protect them; that was so spot-on for what our village did for us while Wilson was in the hospital that she quickly became (and has remained) our little elephant girl.  Always named as one of her favorite animals, she loves them in stuffie form, as jewelry, in pictures, or in any other way she can see them. 

While I still claim the giraffe as a favorite for myself, in 2020, I latched on to my own new animal connection courtesy of a story and metaphor about Tabitha the cheetah from Glennon Doyle’s third book, Untamed. The entire book is about a returning to one’s own self, be it wild in the traditional sense or not. I’ve been on a cheetah kick since my first read and have been slowly adding to the collection of visuals, clothes, shoes, art, what-have-you, to keep that gorgeous animal and all her strength front and center in my life. I love that my kids know this well enough about me to also name the cheetah amongst their list of current faves, too.

And no, it’s not lost on me that both of my favorites have a native home in Africa – just another example of how those travels have touched my heart and continue to impact the way I move in the world. 

*Post 48/52

(Not-So-)Tiny Teachers

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

As of this writing, my kids are 12, 10, 8, 6, and 4. Before this project is done and published, each will have another birthday, making them 13, 11, 9, 7, and 5. For some reason those numbers sound much larger and older than their current ages and I find myself taken aback by the thought of them all being that big. But big they are, as evidenced by our Mother’s Day photo from this year. Harrison is within six-to-twelve months of passing me in height and Wilson still seems on track to beat us all, Ben included! But what I see most when I look at their unique but so obviously related handful of faces are not just the physical changes they are experiencing, but the mental and emotional lessons these (not-so-)tiny teachers of mine continue to give me. 

Harrison: my first teacher of what it means to be a mother. He will always be my guinea pig — the one I am learning with and perhaps making the most mistakes with simply because he hits each milestone first. I am literally forever not really knowing what I’m doing with him as he grows and goes, so to attempt to list all he has taught me would fill 100 books all on its own. But perhaps the greatest lesson he continues to demonstrate to me is how to stay true and loyal to what one enjoys while letting the words, opinions, and shenanigans of others slide right off the back. HD tunes out the noise and inspires me to do the same.

Raegan: my mini-me to the 10th degree, this girl. She reminds me what it means to radiate care and responsibility and how one can do both with ease and grace in so many forms and settings. She keeps me connected to my own childhood passion of reading obsessively and taking great pleasure and pride in doing so. But above all, RL teaches me what it means to be courageous. To take on new challenges and activities, yes, but also to face old fears and worries with a chin held high, a deep breath taken, and a good song to keep the spirit buoyed when it feels low. RL inspires me to be bold and brave through it all. 

Lincoln: my one who is perhaps most unlike me in terms of taking after his dad more than his mom. He is my always moving, always playing, always active guy – the one who can turn any moment into a game or a competition and will pick up any sport and play his heart out while doing it. He has taught me about passion and enthusiasm both in his loyalty to his favorite teams and players as well as with his heart that has bleed baseball for years. LT also has a great passion for his people and he teaches me constantly about how to be a fierce friend and how important moments of connection are. Even though he’s almost always in constant motion, he gives the best squeezes and is a darn good couch cuddler, too. LT inspires me to get out there and DO, to practice, and to play. 

Truman: my one who charms them all. This kid has been working it from the day he was born and I am no exception to the power of his big blond head and giant blue eyes. He teaches me to reconsider, to try again, to be silly and laugh about the word “poop” or “fart” even when I’m not in the mood. He is the one who helps my head and heart understand what it is like to be so little while observing such bigness all around you and both wanting to catch up to that but embodying such youth and tenderness at the same time. He demonstrates juxtaposition with his cries for help and independence, his big hugs and his running out of the room when he doesn’t want to stop or hear “no” one more time, his go-go-go and his need for rest and recovery. TJ inspires me to feel all the feels and to enjoy the heck out of the giggles when they come. 

Wilson: my one I never knew I needed. If I’d had my way, I would have had two boys and two girls and been Done with babies. But that’s not how it went and I decided that maybe I wasn’t done and that maybe we’d get another girl if we tried another time, and oh my goodness, I can’t imagine life any other way even though Wilson was a ball of teachings from the moment she emerged. From First Sight she taught me to rely on prayer more than I ever had in my life, but also modern medicine and doctors, too. Since then she’s taught me to be grateful for the small things that are sometimes the

big things and that there is always time and room for one more “huggy” and “kissy.” WA inspires me to wear what feels good, dance to my own tune, and love, Love, LOVE along the way. 

To my five greatest examples of what it means to grow and be in this world – thank you for teaching and inspiring me. 

*Post 8/52.

Hurricane Wilson

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

Call it Spring Fever or a celebration that March is finally over or that I know my kids are going to be home for the next four days and I just can’t stand the mess anymore, but today I drank my tea and then got after it on picking up/decluttering around the house (spoiler alert: it looks better but is far from done). As you might imagine, we do this quite often but with seven mess makers living here, it takes all of two seconds for it to become a disaster zone again, especially with this girl on the premises.

Don’t let the cuteness fool you. She is the No. 1 Offender when it comes to spreading randomness from one end of my house to the other at lightning speed. Here’s an example of said random toys that were all together in the same 2 ft. area of a room that is NOT a toy room, and it doesn’t include any books or Lego, which is misleading because those feature in every pile everywhere all the live long day.

It’s been like this for a couple months now (my mom will back me up because WA does the exact same thing at her house) and I have been trying to figure out why that is. Is this just her personality? I mean, it could be because she can’t seem to dry her hands in the bathroom without pulling the towel to the floor, but I guess time will tell for sure. But what I think is (also) happening here is that she’s our first 3yo to be on the literal loose in the house without a little sibling behind her and that has changed the game for sure.

In the past we always kept toys with lots of pieces and any sort of small part away from the youngest Welschie by keeping them all in the basement (or at least did our very best to do so). Only baby toys and things that couldn’t be swallowed by a crawling/exploring 6-24 month-old were allowed on the main floor up until Wilson graduated from that stage, and oh my, is she having a blast with this arrangement. In fact, she throws her fun around like plastic confetti on a regular basis and holy moly cow, I can’t keep up, not even if I switched back from tea to coffee.

Eventually the goal/plan is to sort all the kid chaos in our house and get rid of a bunch of it. The last year of pandemic living has left me wanting to do that task very badly and also having zero energy left to actually tackle the enormous job of it. So maybe this summer? Until then I’ll just be chasing Hurricane Wilson from one room to the next, giving thanks for her imaginative play ability while also (mostly silently) cursing the mess it creates.

Here We Go Again

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

After months (and months) of asking Wilson if she was ready to start wearing her big girl undies and use the potty, she finally decided this week that now was the time and she was doing this.

Before I go any further, let me remind you: this is not the first time I have blogged about potty-training and also not the first time I have admitted that I know nothing about potty-training. Five kids in and I still don’t know how to do it in a sure-fire way. Perhaps that has something to do with each kid being their own person, eh?

All I know is that in the past, we always had the incentive of places to go and things to do in order to entice children to start using the bathroom at a certain age. If 2020 hadn’t happened the way it did, we would have started WA with preschool in Jan 2021 (i.e. now) and that would have been our motivator to get on and off the pot, so to speak. But 2020 did what it did and we don’t go anywhere now, so what was the point in forcing the issue besides the fact that that is one thing I do know about potty-training…until the kid is actually ready, force is not the way.

So she got undies last fall (trainer style) and then in her stocking for Christmas (regular style) and still she told me an empathic, “NO.” each time I asked if she wanted to wear them. That is, until two days ago on Wednesday, when apparently she decided that a new dawn for our country was as good a time as any to start a new chapter in her own story, too.

And honestly? She rocked it. She went the entire day in undies (minus nap) and had no issues. Same on Thursday, but even better because she shocked everyone in the house by fulfilling both *ahem* duties on the potty-seat before the day was done. I mean, I have never been more shocked/pleased to hear a kid yelling, “I pooooooooped!” from the bathroom (and yes, that is the Bat Signal in our house; classy, I know.). She totally earned that handful of M&Ms, I tell you (not a technique we’ve ever used before, but again, 5th Kid. What do you do?).

This morning? Same thing. Undies all the way. Getting herself to the bathroom time and time again (we had hot chocolate after playing out in the cold, snow-globe-falling snow), no problem. And then nap time came and all the independence came right back to bite me in the butt because Not-So-Baby Girl decided she was NOT going to wear a diaper for today’s nap because, because, well, who knows? She’s 3? She thinks she a pro already? She can actually do it?

I guess we’ll have to see if she really can/does because I wasn’t willing to have the knock down, drag out fight to get a diaper on her, so I made her use the bathroom and then we did our normal go-down-for-nap routine with her in not a diaper, so help me Sweet Baby Jesus.

Will this work? I highly doubt it. She’s still in a crib with tall sides and assuming that none of her siblings have taught her how to crawl out of it, she’s stuck there until I get her up and I am fully, fully counting on there being a mess when I do. But I’ll still have time before bed to get her sheets and whatnot washed, and no matter what happens, she will be in a “night-night diaper” because Mama and Daddy don’t play when it comes to messing with nighttime sleep. But for now? Sure. Fine. This is a gamble I’m (sort of) willing to take.

On the flip side, as terrifying as this all is, it’s also terribly exciting because if we can make this happen, we will finally (11.5 years later) be out of diapers in this house. Now that is a New Era also worthy of great celebration (and definitely more chocolate for all).

Update: she did not make it through the nap unscathed but the mess was not the mess I feared, so I will take it! She also gave me a sweet little apology and agreed that she would put a diaper on for nap the next time mama asked, so I think we came out of that little experiment just fine.

Glimmer Moments

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

I’ve mentioned Glimmer Moments before during this new world order of living, but again today I found myself thinking of the phrase often because, well, there were several of them and they are still just as much worth clinging to as they were early on in this COVID experience.

As I mentioned in the last post, things feel pretty rough these days. There’s a fair bit of feeling adrift happening for me right now and I think that’s pretty reasonable given everything we’ve got going on/not happening in our lives. The COVID Coaster continues, and while I’ve got these beautiful glimmers to share with you, I’ve also felt this palpable sadness this whole evening that not even my walk and shower could shake. I’m just sad, so I’m sitting with that and writing through it as one (I) does (do).

Speaking of walks, those are still happening on the daily for me. I’ve been at this for FOUR months now of never missing a day and I’ve upped both my fitness and my endurance because I now walk closer to 30-45 minutes a day and somewhere near 2 miles each of those days. It doesn’t burn off all the crazy yet but goodness, I look forward to it, especially now that B is gone all day at school and my walk is the only “me” time I get in a given day.

One of today’s glimmers also involved walking, but not just for me.

This summer Ben took the kids on gobs of walks and sometimes I would go, sometimes I would not. Let me clarify – even if I accompanied them, I would still do my own walk later because as those of you with little Littles may well know, walking with children is parenting, and parenting next to streets, so no, not “me” time in any way, shape, or form. But this is to say, Ben trained them well over the summer and now that Truman magically started riding his two-wheel bike (at age 4 years and 11 months) and Wilson suddenly figured out how to pedal her trike (that also has a handle for Mama or a sibling to give extra push/direction), walking with all five kids is actually sort of doable!

And doable or not, we’ve been doing it because the days of Daddy gone to school but no at-home school started for the Bigs yet have been L-O-N-G and we have needed some major energy busters.

Enter stage left: 2 mile walks with five kids on various modalities* of movement. (*Wilson always rides on something – a stroller or her trike; HD and RL take turns walking or scooting or sharing our biggest kid bike because RL’s has bad tires in need of fixing; LT and TJ zoom zoom zoom on their two-wheel bikes, which is great expect for the one time TJ’s chain fell off when we were still 2/3 of a mile away from home. Crap.)

The first one was a total fluke. I mean, I initiated the walk but had no idea that kids would take me up on my offer to go a full mile away from the house which would mean we’d have to go a full mile to get home, but they did and we did and I mean, it was cool. It felt like an accomplishment.

And then yesterday we did it again.

And then today it was THEIR idea to do it for a third time.

And tonight before bed they were already talking about taking Our Walk in the morning, and oh my gosh, I’m thrilled because it is such a good way to spend time and energy, and I’m proud of them for their determination and, quite frankly, a little proud of myself for getting out there on the bike path with them to make it happen.

So yes, Glimmer Moment.

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Another one came in the form of Wilson’s pre-nap routine today which has shifted a bit since I wrote about it last. We now must read two books exactly and sometimes she needs to (re)shut the door to her room and she must turn on the sound machine and I MUST say “Sweet Dreams and Sweet Pickles” just like Daddy does and her stuffie and blanket must get hugs and kisses from me just like she does. All this is true. But today we did an extra moment of snuggle between songs (three of them, after the two books and lights out) and I told her, “Wilson, I love you so much” which she followed up with a “I love you bigger!” that about left me reduced to a puddle in the rocking chair because if that isn’t the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. She’s got some pretty big opinions in her not-so-tiny toddler body, and that’s not always easy to navigate, but she also is just the most polite and lovely little person you could ever wish to meet. And her hair is super long but you’d never know it because it’s always curled up in perfect ringlets that somehow always fall just to her shoulders (or spring out from underneath her bike helmet).

Again, an extra shiny Glimmer Moment.

I don’t know what our walks will look like once eLearning starts next week or how frantic the baby’s nap routine might become as we navigate Zooms and assignments and all the other normal parts of life we still have going on here at home, but I’m so grateful to have these moments today and to recognize them for the gifts that they are. Parenting can be such a slog sometimes and so much of the work is thankless, (and trust me, they are far (far) from being perfect (so am I)) but these little moments of pause and the ability to see the beauty in the chaos? I’ll take that any day.

The Pre-Nap Steps

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ 1 Comment

I don’t have to put Wilson down for her nap every day now that “summer” has started “early” (more on that in some other post) but there are still many days that I do and the process itself is so drawn out and ridiculous, and also sweet and cute, that I wanted to record it here. Please note, none of this takes into consideration all the steps that take place downstairs prior to Nap Time.

But for real, it is remarkable how true she is to this format each and every time:

Two books limit. Unless she insists on three. Or changes her mind five times mid-story as to which two are THE two. Try to commit titles to memory so you can later write them on 1,000 Books before Kindergarten sheet for Library.

Turn on noise machine and pick her up so she can turn off the light. Often this involves her identifying the hanging animals on the wall and/or the various baby cross stitches for three of the kids that live on the walls in her room. Confirmation must be given for each item identified.

Sing the “Family Goodnight Song” but only the versus for the girls and Mama and Daddy.

Sing one round of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

Sing one round of “You Are My Sunshine.”

Place her in crib. Make sure she already has Margaret Tiger AND Margaret’s blanket (this step must be done before you go upstairs in the first place, but then must be double checked at this point in the dark).

Cover her with blanket.

Pause when she pops up to insist on giving you a kiss. “I kiss you, Mama!”

Cover her with blanket.

Pause when she pops up to insist on giving you a hug. “I hug you, Mama!!”

Cover her with blanket.

Tell her “night-night” and “I love you” 20ish times, back and forth as you attempt to cover her for good.

Walk out continuing to say, “Good night, Wilson. I love you!” until you are finally in the clear.

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And that’s it! Just thirty-odd simple steps and you’ve put the toddler down for her nap! Also, this is not her in her bed, but in mine yesterday where she kept crashing my mother’s day reading party by bringing books to throw in my face to be read to her instead. Cutest little book monster I’ve ever seen.

 

Me Do It

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

A lot of this blog is me recording and documenting our day-to-day so that even when these years of living in the The Tunnel are long gone, I can still look back on exactly what they were like.

And rest assured, the two that remain Tunnel-bound for the next few years give me plenty of post-worthy content.

In part, they are the cutest little things I’ve ever seen:

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In others, they cause me the “11” that now lives permanently between my eyebrows.

Perhaps it makes sense then that one of Wilson’s defining features these days is her own overly expressive forehead. Sister may only be two and change, but she has got the spirit and the face of a fiercely independent. Hasn’t she always?! I mean, from the day she was born, she’s driven the bus with even more control than any of the others and that is truly saying something!

Like many moms of school-age kids, my van is my bus and we’re in it every day to get kids here, there, and everywhere. Knock on wood, WA does a decent job, most of the time, getting in and going all the places with me. Good thing I start the process of getting out the door well before we need to leave, though, because Wilson’s favorite phrase as of late is a loud, emphatic, “ME DO IT!” In fact, the image here is of her mid-statement of those very words. img_6657

And she means it.

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Insisting she wear leggings with a sweater, a dress, AND a vest! 

 

She wants to feed herself. She wants to dress herself. She wants to get up on things and down from things solo. She wants to put her shoes on unassisted, and by golly, just about any task you can think of, she’d rather do it herself, thanks.

One thing we’ve discovered that she cannot do very well is say her name. I don’t suppose this is all that uncommon, but you take the fifth baby in a family that has always called the youngest the baby until the next baby comes along and now this time there’s no more babies coming, you get stuck being The Baby. Forever! I mean, she does know her name; she responds to it always and can say a version of it. But if you call her something wrong (like another child’s name, which, let’s face it – happens a lot) and she will again give you a frown or head shake as she reprimands you, saying, “Me no Truman! Me Baby!!”

Noted, Lady Baby. Noted.

Also noted is her obsession with talking about people we know but refusing to talk TO them. This mostly applies to adult males, like our pastor or my friend’s husband who is doing the construction on our last basement room. She looooooves to say their names and point out where they might be (the church and the basement, respectively) but bless it, she will not talk to them or say their names to their faces. That said, I think if we would let her go all the places she wants (namely weekly church activities like WNL and Sunday School, both of which she’s still too little to attend), she would do so in heartbeat. Because of course she thinks she should be doing what the Bigs are doing, which is a trend I don’t see fading any time soon.

Jokes about gray hairs aside, I adore this age with The Baby. I’ve never before been able img_6475 to be quite this present or physically able to play and be with my two-year-olds (because I’m always in the uber-pregnant of newborn stage by now and exhausted) and even though she’s mammoth and occasionally mouthy, I love bearing witness to her spunky personality and little pixie voice that is still obsessed with Margaret Tiger and insists on “Twinkle, Twinkle” before naps, and loves all her “WonnaWoman” gear.

 

All the Feels

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

So it’s not news to me, with the fifth kid, that Year Two comes with big doses of alllll the emotions, but apparently this year that means not just for said child but also for this particular mama.

I mean, I’ve probably cried during at least half of our kiddo birthday celebrations throughout the years, but something feels a little different when it comes to Wilson’s second birthday. I think it’s safe to say that 1) Sweet Girl has always done things different from Day One, and 2) even at two years out, I’m still reliving those early, different, difficult NICU days that consumed us for the first three weeks of her earth-side journey.24819275_10103621685305583_55478072_o

At the start of the month when Baby Girl (y’all, honestly. How will I ever stop calling her The Baby?!) was sick, my mom kindly took TJ to preK for me and I sat for three hours with my butt in the rocking chair and Wilson in my arms. The house was much (MUCH) quieter than the hospital ever was, but for some reason, my brain hopped back there lickity split to the days of no other kids around and just a baby in my arms that we desperately wanted to be better so we could in fact go home. I didn’t get all teary-eyed that day, but today? On img_59162nd Birthday Eve (can you tell we’ve been practicing showing off her new age)? Oh, goodness. I got super weepy thinking about the shock and challenge of all that and the emotional roller coaster it took our whole family on post-delivery.

And now, in what literally feels like no time at all, we’re here, at the stage of so much personality and so much activity. And did I mention SO much talking? Wilson is the perfect little magpie which is super cute and entertaining until someone says something you wish they hadn’t and then you have to try to divert really quickly until she finds some other word or phrase to latch on to instead.

Two of her favorite phrases are: “Pick-a-up” and “Supa-high” which refers respectively to wanting to be in my arms/on my hip and wanting to be in her toddler swing where yes indeed, she does want you to push her freakishly high and quick (which scares her mother on the daily but she loves it and squawks at you if you don’t comply, so yeah. Good Luck.)

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I am guessing that as we roll through the actual birthday and the coming weeks, there are going to be plenty more moments of big feels. There’s not as much shift happening in our family as we’ve always had in the past when a kid turns two, but processing that she is our last to do so is a big change all on its own and worthy of some feels.

And even though, or maybe especially because, I know time will just keep flying by, I will make note to enjoy all those moments she wants to be held and all the new Toddlerisms she teaches us because no matter how much I sometimes flash back, we thankfully, blessedly keep moving forward as a family.

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Words on Words

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

Today was a first. Even though I’ve been writing the words upon words here for over eight years now, today was the first time that they resulted in me getting up in front a group and giving voice all by myself to the same experiences that I share with you all here.

Y’all, that is a great honor and a terrifying thing to have done! But I did it, so now I can – in true form – write to you about it.

To explain: it’s been a few years since I’ve been a regular at MOPS because of preK schedules and having new babies and just life. But it’s still a special group to my heart because when I started attending it, also over eight years ago, I met some amazing people, many of whom are still good, good friends. So when that same group (now called Moms of Hastings; check ’em out here if you are interested in joining a local mama group) reached out early this fall to ask if I’d like to come speak to them about body image and postpartum and the basic challenges of motherhood, I said (to myself): “that sounds scary and also right up my alley” and to them: “Yes!”

Today was that yes come to life and while I won’t share the whole transcript of my (sorry ladies, a little rambly) talk, I do want to share the gist as well as the experience with you.

After the initial ask, I made some notes and wrote out some ideas weeks and weeks ago and then promptly set it all aside until just last week when I picked up my notes and flushed it out into a longer piece. Then I realized I needed to make it way longer to be the correct amount of time, so I kept reworking and managed to practice it a couple times. img_5750But then yesterday (spoiler alert: you may not know this about me, but I have always been a stellar student who is also a giant procrastinator) when I should have been practicing all the live-long day, Wilson got sick and wanted nothing more than to be in my arms the entire three hours Trumy was at preK. Somewhere in that experience is an upcoming post about NICU flashbacks, I promise.

So, I didn’t get to run through as many times as I maybe would have liked, but I felt pretty solid on my three main points which were as follows, and yes, I really did stand up and give an entire talk about words:

  1. Talk therapy saved me. I didn’t say those exact words this morning but that’s the gist of it, folks. Having access to a trained professional who listens to, guides, challenges, and helps me? Hands down the best form of self care I know. Plus she got me to the yoga and we all know what a role that’s played in my life.
  2. The words you use and surround yourself with matter. And yes, I did quote Daniel Tiger’s “Use your words” song because Wilson is obsessed with him and this blog is already named for a different PBS show, so how could I not?
  3. Challenge yourself (obscure reference here: Go Doane!) to quit belittling your body in passing conversations and don’t join in or feed the flame when others do the same. I’m not asking people to stuff their feelings or desires for change in their bodies, but I think if we could change the culture of shared body shaming, we’d all be a lot happier and healthier no matter what our metrics are.

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For the most part I think it went pretty well but gosh darn it, I thought for once I’d be able to get up in front of a group and speak about my life and NOT cry, but, nope. That streak continues.

But really, I know that’s OK because the part that got me was by far the hardest part to talk about which is that I have a condition that I will most likely always have to work against in my life/in my brain – body dysmorphia. And I don’t know how many speaking engagements I’d have to do before I’d be able to say “I have a mental condition that I work with and through every day of my life that impacts both me and my family depending on how I am managing it” and not cry. To quote Lizzo completely out of context, “that’s the human in me.” And that’s fine. I learned today, however, that when you are the only speaker instead of a member of a panel, and you get all sniffly, it’s a lot harder to stop and collect yourself/blow your dang nose while everyone in the room is watching you. You know, the important things you don’t think about until they are happening. In front of a group. 😉

Scary as it was to get up and do that this morning (and hard as it was to leave a sad, still img_5756sick Wilson at home to go do it), I’m glad I was asked and I’m glad I did, because the more we give voice to our struggles, the easier it gets to carry our individual loads because then they aren’t just ours to bear. To share one direct quote from this morning with you:

If sharing my stories has taught me anything, it is that real beauty in relationship with self, others, and spirit comes when we can speak truthfully to our imperfections and our successes and love our way through it all the same.

 

Deviation

~ The Modern Maiasaura ~ Leave a comment

When I was in college, I spent a semester in Africa traveling and logging many, many miles – from Dar es Salaam, Tanzania all the way to Cape Town, South Africa to be exact. Along that journey, we encountered many literal roadblocks, but one memory that will always stick with me is of coming upon road construction in which the sign read “Deviation” instead of “Detour.” It felt like such an excellent word choice because sometimes when your path goes off the rails against your control, the whole experience does feel a bit deviant.

Case in point? Home reno. We’ve spent this entire summer on a deviation thanks to the driveway and the roof/exterior of the house. In fact, come Tuesday, the roof and metal wrapping and sealing and wood replacement and all that jazz  shit will hit the one month mark on all its own. Like most aspects of life, there are multiple reasons for this, which I’d be more than happy to explain in a private message or in-person conversation, but I’m pretty sure we can all agree that that is just too long, especially when for at least half of that time, a giant trailer has been parked in my driveway and big old machines and tools have been stored in my garage. This means we can’t clean up the yard and just let the kids out to play, must less the sanity-losing that goes into such a drawn out process.

img_5220I was so at the end of my rope with the not-finishing/not-moving of things yesterday that I loaded up the baby in the double jogger stroller and pushed her a mile to the YMCA to pick up Trumy from Prek and then pushed them both the mile back, in a mad dash attempt to walk it out, but even all that in the hot midday sun barely burned off my mad and crazy.

Then, miraculously, enough of the stuff got done by sundown last night that the trailer and the tools disappeared, leaving us with the possibility of starting Operation Garage Clean Up. ‘Cuz, did y’all know that when your structure has three layers of shingles on it, but no plywood under those layers, and all that gets scraped off, it leaves a giant freaking mess all over everything underneath it? Neither did I, but it might just be the worst mess to date of this reno and that is freaking saying something.

So this afternoon, after we survived (and even enjoyed) our first Soccer Saturday with img_5253three kids playing and us coaching two of the teams in a Triple Header Extravaganza, we set to work on getting everything out of the garage (so it all could be cleaned) so we could clean the actual garage (so we could then put everything back in it).

I got out there first and noticed pretty quickly that it wasn’t just shingle and tar-dust coating everything but also like real chunks of splintered wood and even old nails and staples and all kinds of crap. When Ben came out to join me, I warned him and told him I was trying to sweep it all up so we could get rid of it safely because popped tires and poked feet have been my biggest fears for the last four weeks.

And with good reason, because not ten minutes in to my husband helping me, he somehow flipped a nail up with his Keen that caught the back of his heal and, you guessed it, ended up sending him to get a tetanus shot instead of cleaning with me. Ironically, the last one he had was in 2008 when we traveled with a Doane alumni trip to Africa.

img_5257So yes, deviations in many forms continue to crop up in the process, and with one more room left to go in the basement, we’re still not back on the road of just living in our house in peace and quiet (y’all know that it’s rarely quiet here, right? That’s just a metaphor or pipe dream or something.) which after 10 months of this feels like a foreign concept indeed. I know we’ll get back to that path eventually, but after how much more deviation is a big old guessing game.